When I was Young
by Country.Dreamin
Summary: Sometimes people cry out for help. Other times they scream. For all the children who will never get their childhood's back. *Warning: Contains graphic materials such as sucicide, rape, abuse, drugs, and anorexia.
1. Chapter 1

'_Cold. I just feel cold. As I look into this mirror I just feel cold. There is no glimmer of warmth or happiness. I don't even understand why I'm still alive. What point do I have in continuing this pathetic excuse of a life? As I look at my hands I just see blood and white. And I'm so cold. So cold. No one would miss me if I was gone. There is no point in crying. It solves nothing.' _

I trembled as I picked up a silver razor and brought it too my pale wrists. They were covered with existing scars from previous moments just like this one. The only difference this time was that I wanted it to end, permanently. I brought the blade to my wrist and made a deep deliberate first swipe. The skin broke apart and the deep red liquid started pouring out of it. I did the same to the other wrist. I had to brace myself with the sink and I stared back into the mirror. My vision started to blur as I wobbled. Then I just hit the ground and it all suddenly went black.

.*.*.*.

"Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Miss Dugan? Are you awake Miss Dugan?" I heard a faint voice in the distance. It sounded like I was underwater and a person was speaking above the surface. I just wanted to sink to the bottom but it seemed the voice just pulled me to the light above.

My eyes fluttered open and I saw the bright, harsh lights of a hospital. I hadn't been my first time waking up in a hospital room. But just to be certain I asked, "Where am I?"

"Nice to have you back with us Miss Dugan. You are at Saint Mungo's Hospital." A cheery voice greeted me. As my eyes got used to the bright lights I looked over to find a very pretty brunette sitting on a stool, clipboard in hand, obviously taking a few notes before looking back at me. "My name is Hermione Granger." She smiled lightly at me and it was then I noticed that she wasn't wearing a white robe or anything that seemingly attached her to the hospital.

"You aren't a doctor or nurse are you?" I questioned lightly not wanting to hurt the seemingly young girl's feelings.

"Oh!" She seemed surprised by my perceptiveness, "I actually just graduated from Hogwarts this past year and I'm spending the summer interning here. I would like to be an Auror but I've always dreamed of working here and saving lives. So who really knows?" I was equally surprised about her openness. "But this is about you. Can I ask you a few questions?"

I inwardly groaned, "I suppose so."

"Great! First what happened to you a few nights ago, before you were admitted to the hospital?" Hermione was very straight to the point.

"I attempted to kill myself."

She frowned, "Why?" her eyes fell to the bandages that wrapped my arms.

"Do you want me to be honest?" Hermione gave a faint nod. "I hate my life." Her mouth was agape. "Is this your first attempted suicide?"

"Uh, yes it is actually and I really don't know what to say." A single tear slid down her rosy cheek.

"Honey, you're too pretty to cry for me. There's no point in crying, it solves nothing." I laughed dryly. My laugh cracked. I guess it's been out of use for quite a while.

"What do you do for a living Gabrielle?" She asked quietly.

"I'm a photographer and a journalist when it strikes my fancy. But lately I haven't had the desire or ability to do either one well. I do freelance work for several magazines and then some personal pictures for certain people. But work is never steady and it gets rough. But my own work lately hasn't constituted getting paid. I actually have a session to do on the fifth."

Hermione's eyes widened, "That's tomorrow!" She exclaimed, "I don't think you'll be able to go…"

I raised an eyebrow, "I'm going. I am perfectly healthy and fine, mentally stable and all."

"You're fifty pounds underweight, you have extremely deep cuts in both your arms, they have to be doctored every two hours, you just tried to kill yourself, and you've gone so white from loosing all of that blood. You think that's fine?" She demanded.

"It's an extremely high profile client. Some of these pictures will be going to magazines and some are just personal. But it's going to be a load of pictures and a huge deal! This could mean contracts and steady income! I cannot lose this deal!" I yelled. When I saw Hermione's frightened expression I forced myself to calm back down. "Please. I have to do this. Could you, or someone else, possibly come to keep tabs or what not? Then you can change bandages and all that doctor stuff?"

She sighed and stood up and just left the room. I guess I was asking too much of an intern, or anyone for that matter. I sighed and slumped back onto my bed in defeat. I took the time to gaze at the bandages on my arms and the I.V. that had been inserted. It actually kind of hurt but hopefully I would be free to go soon. Maybe the owner of the Puddlemere Quidditch team would reschedule? Ha, fat chance.

I heard my door reopen and I looked up. It was Hermione, "I was given permission to let you go tomorrow," I felt a faint smile grace my lips, "As long as I go with you." Then my face was back to a frown, I was just trying to find a way to leave. I hadn't thought that she would actually have to go with me. But I'll take what I can get I suppose. "What time is it at tomorrow?"

"Noon. I warn you though, I have no idea how long it may last." I tried to dissuade her.

"Fine by me. I get paid regardless." Damn. Guess she was just an intern and it was less important for her to be in the hospital. "But you need to get your sleep so you can get up early enough for your shoot. So just try and sleep well." She turned to walk away and dimmed the lights. She shut the door and I was once again alone.

I wanted to sleep. I really did. My body was screaming for it and so was my mind but sleep only brought nightmares. And the nightmares were awful. I would wake up screaming and feeling like I was being suffocated. Then the tears would fall and I would have to wipe them away and after wiping so many of them my eyes would swell and I couldn't wipe any more. Thinking about it made the bile rise up my throat.

"You have to sleep Gabby." I told myself. "You have to try." So I closed my eyes and slowly let it wash over me. It was going to be a very long day tomorrow. With that last thought I got lost in the blackness.


	2. Chapter 2

_'I heard the groaning and grunting of the man on top of me. All I could do was lay there and shake. Every once and a while a tear would escape from my eyes and I would hold my breath to keep from sobbing. It was better that way. It would all end so much sooner than if I just laid there. I couldn't, however, keep my body from its quiet convulsions. _

"_If only you were pretty!" He exclaimed as he finished his deed and rolled off of me. "If only you weren't so fat." He laughed deeply. "Maybe you would be worth something!" Then he got off the bed and strode out of the room, shutting the door behind him, and then I finally broke out into sobs. I couldn't stop being so weak. I couldn't stand up for myself. I was ugly, fat, worthless, and pathetic, and there was nothing that I could do about it.'_

I sat straight up in my hospital bed. I had another nightmare, the one that I had most often. I could feel the tears running down my face as I collapsed back onto my bed. I was shaking when I turned to look at the clock. It read 8:23. I needed to get up. My I.V. had been removed and I stood up. I made my way to the small bathroom that connected to my room and started unwinding the bandages. Once they were off and I was in the bathroom I looked down at my arms. They looked absolutely awful; the two freshest cuts were turning slightly yellow from bruising and lack of air but they looked as if they may break open at any moment. It hurt.

I turned the shower on full blast and stepped into the scalding heat. Even it didn't take away the cold I felt. I finished up as fast as possible and stepped out, grabbing a towel to dry myself. I stopped when I saw myself in the mirror. I didn't even think it was me. My hair was straight and damp but fell to my shoulders and was a warm red, not too dramatic and not too subtle. My blue eyes looked even lighter than usual and reflected the cold I felt and my skin had turned so white, like snow. My stomach and thighs bulged out and were full of fat. I needed to lose weight. I thought I had been doing well on my diet but I was wrong.

I suddenly snapped out of my self-loathing when I remembered that I had no clothes to change into to go to my shoot today. I groaned and pulled a towel around my body and stepped out of the bathroom and nearly into Hermione.

"Good morning Miss Dugan," she greeted cheerfully like I had figured she would, "I brought you some clothes from your house and grabbed your equipment." I narrowed my eyes and it seemed like she had read my mind, "Your landlord let me in. He's the one who found you the other day. It's normal for us interns to go and retrieve items for our patients as well as clean up any mess they may have made."

"Did you grab my blue camera bag along with my green shoulder bag?" She nodded. "Alright I suppose." I grabbed the clothes and retreated back into the bathroom. It was a pair of jeans with a hunter green blouse and a black pea coat. The shirt and blouse were much too small but the coat helped cover it up.

I walked back out to see that it was 10:37. "We should go," I suggested.

"Why? You said that the appointment was at noon?" Hermione questioned.

"Honey, always get there early it impresses people, also maybe they'll be ready sooner than noon. You never know but I'd also like to watch a bit of the practice." She had a confused frown on her face but didn't question.

"First I must redress your arms." I undid my coat and pulled it off, holding my arms out. She pulled out a disgusting looking green salve and grabbed a handful with her gloved hand and covered my scars, old and new, with it. It sort of burned but I didn't mind. Then she grabbed a very funny looking gauze. "Now, I pulled some strings to get this gauze so you better be grateful." It was constantly changing colors to adapt to it surroundings, like a chameleon. She wrapped it around my arms and I watched as slowly my scars disappeared! I looked at her in shock. "Like I said you'd better be very thankful."

I felt a small smile hit my lips before I grabbed my bags and opened the door into the hallway. Hermione followed and stepped out before me and I followed her down the hall. We went through several doorways before finally making our way to the fireplace. Hermione paused letting me enter first and I gathered a large handful of the floo powder. Then I stood up straight and spoke firmly, "Puddlemere United's Practice Field," and I was caught up in the swirling green flames and spiraled into a very large and beautiful fireplace. I moved out of the fireplace and into the room and Hermione greeted me shortly. Together we went up to the receptionist's desk that was, currently, empty.

"Hello!" A high pitched voice met us and we turned to see a short, rather plump, woman walking towards us quickly. "Welcome to Puddlemere's Practice Field! How do you do?" She seemed very friendly.

Business mood kicked in and I slapped on a fake smile and went with it, "I'm doing great ma'am. My name is Gabrielle Dugan and Mr. Axleworth contacted me because he wanted me to do a photo shoot on the team."

"Oh! Why didn't you just say so dear? I was already informed of your coming! Feel free to go watch some of the practice until Mr. Axleworth gets out there. I'll tell him you're here immediately!" She handed us blue and gold passes that we placed around our necks before walking out the door she motioned too. We walked right into an old hallway whose walls were decorated with pictures of past and current team members along with old metals and different banners and such.

"It's all so pretty." Hermione whispered.

"No need to whisper Hermione. It's not like were sneaking in and Quidditch is never a quiet sport. Practices are bound to be loud."

And I was right. When we reached the end of the hall and exited the building all I could hear was screaming and cheering. Many dedicated fans gathered at the practice field to watch all of Puddlemere's open practices. Right now I believed the team was having a mock match, the Reserve team against the Starters. You could tell that both sides were fantastic but the Reserves had to strain much harder to keep up with the Starters' pace. Hermione and I climbed up some bleachers to the fifth row, which we had decided was a good place to sit. We continued to watch the game.

The Starter team had gained control of the quaffle and the chasers were passing it left and right to the point where not even the people in the stands could tell where it might go next. It was utterly random but seemingly very precise since none of them would ever drop it. I could see that these players have been playing together for quite a while. The game continued until the Reserve's seeker caught sight of the snitch and took off. The Starter's seeker tailed him until one of the beaters (I wasn't sure what team he was on) hit the bludger right in front of Reserve seeker who hesitated and that gave the opposing seeker time to lunge forward and grab the snitch. The game was over.

The diehard fans exited the pitch slowly while Hermione and I remained seated. I glanced at her watch and it read 11:09. I had given myself plenty of time. So I decided to strike up some sort of conversation between Hermione and me.

"What school did you attend?" I asked.

She seemed shocked that I had spoken but recovered quickly, "Hogwarts, what about you?"

"I went to Hogwarts too but I'd say my last year might have been your second? Maybe?" I replied.

"I just finished school this spring so maybe my third year? I'm not sure? My third year was when Sirius Black was in the castle and we had to sleep in the Great Hall. I was in Gryffindor," She spoke thoughtfully.

"So it would have been your third year. I was a Hufflepuff. I came back last year to help fight against Voldemort but I ended up just helping the wounded. Before I had decided to become a photographer I was told I was very gifted in healing spells and potions, I had considered working at St. Mungo's myself." I frowned thinking of past memories that I cared not to remember. "But I suppose that everything happens for a reason?" I questioned more to myself than to Hermione.

However, she answered anyways, "Oh I'm definitely a true believer in that one. But I guess that when Harry Potter becomes one of your two best friends life changes drastically."

My eyes widened and I felt my mouth drop open, "Harry Potter. Like The Harry Potter?!" I exclaimed, "Now I know why you looked so familiar. You were with him during the Triwizard tournament. I remember because I had come to watch Cedric." The name almost got stuck in my throat. Cedric. The thought of him brought little tears to my eyes. "Cedric was my best friend." I admitted quietly.

"I'm so sorry." She apologized but before I had time to protest a man had come up and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Excuse me Miss Dugan, Mr. Axleworth wanted me to escort you down. They're ready to begin the shoot." I nodded and we headed down the bleachers. When we reached the ground level I saw that all the Puddlemere Starters, the coaches, and the Owner, Mr. Axleworth, were all conversing. But it was anything but quiet. I made my way over to owner himself

Jude Axleworth was an interesting man. He was in his late forties with thinning salt and pepper colored hair. His stomach had quite a few pounds on it but he had a warm, kind expression and rosy red cheeks. He reminded me of Santa Claus. He had inherited the Puddlemere team from his own father. The team had been passed down from generation to generation of the Axleworth family.

I reached him and politely introduced myself, "Hello Mr. Axleworth, my name is Gabrielle Dugan." I reached out to shake his hand.

"Oh my dear of course I know who you are," his belly shook slightly as he laughed, "Are you ready to meet the team and maybe take a few shots of them?"

His laugh was contagious, "Of course sir, it's my job." I smiled my business smile.

"Everyone! Gather round! This is Ms. Gabrielle Dugan, she is the lovely photographer who will be taking your pictures. So I want your full cooperation in this activity and then you may all go home." Everyone became silent when he spoke. "So Gabrielle, let me introduce the team to you. First there is the coach and assistant coach, Mr. Ellis Cox and Mr. Freddie White. Then our Starter team, Milo Anderson, Finn Barnes, and Poppy Dixon are our chasers, Elliot Hall and Clark Owen are our beaters, Gracie Patel is our seeker, and Oliver Wood is our keeper." At the last name I became rigid. Oliver Wood graduated in my year at Hogwarts, ex-captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and my ex-fiancé's best friend.

I looked over at where Mr. Axleworth pointed and met the deep brown eyes of said man and my heart dropped through the ground.

What had I gotten myself into now?


End file.
